


still looking for my salvation

by The_German_Grim_Reaper



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with no happy ending, Gen, about what's been happening, also, and shows yaz the recording, destroyed gallifrey, the TARDIS gets tired of thirteen not talking about it, they actually talk, with Gallifrey and the master
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 17:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22347481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_German_Grim_Reaper/pseuds/The_German_Grim_Reaper
Summary: Yaz wants to know what the Doctor has been hiding.  When she sees the recording left by the Master, she realizes that it's far, far worse than she had imagined.AKA Thirteen and Yaz actually talk about their problems and it's sad and angsty
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 65





	still looking for my salvation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alpacasandravens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpacasandravens/gifts).



_“Have you ever seen a dead planet?”_

_“I’ve seen more than you could possibly imagine.”_

Those were the words that echoed over and over in Yaz’s mind. _“I’ve seen more than you could possibly imagine.”_ Logically, Yaz knew that it probably didn’t mean anything. They’d been on Orphan 55 just three days ago, after all. Maybe that was what the Doctor was talking about. Or maybe she meant something else, some other world that she’d visited long before ever meeting the fam. But there was something about the way she’d said it, the way she’d hesitated, the brief glimmer of pain in her eyes…

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t noticed. The Doctor had been in a right mood for days now, weeks. Ever since they’d met O, in fact. Someone from the Doctor’s childhood, a subject she had always been careful to avoid. And her face when Yaz had asked her, later that day…

_“Can we visit? Your home?”_

_“Another time.”_

She’d looked hurt then, too. That was when she’d really started to close off from them. And it wasn’t as if Yaz hadn’t wondered about it. They had _all_ been wondering about it, her past and her home, for months. But it wasn’t until they had met O that it had become such a burning question in Yaz’s mind.

At first, she’d been angry. The Doctor had deliberately hidden her past from them, and they had nearly gotten killed because of it. Even after all of that, she wouldn’t tell them anything about the Master (because apparently that was O’s real name, and of _course_ it was, why couldn’t anyone they met just be normal) and had, somehow, become even _more_ shut off about her past.

But that comment about destroyed worlds… that had really shocked Yaz out of it. The way the Doctor had reacted… she couldn’t deny it now, something was wrong. Something was very wrong. And she needed to figure out what it was.

Of course, that would be completely impossible if she couldn’t find the Doctor. So far she had checked the library, the swimming pool, and the gardens. She had no idea where the Doctor’s bedroom was, and she had no idea where else to look.

With a sigh, she headed back to the console room, resigned to figure this out another day. Maybe Graham or Ryan would have some ideas.

She sank down onto the base of the steps. As she did so, a blue-hued light blinked into existence in front of her. She sat up, startled, and opened her mouth to call for help. But something stopped her. She wasn’t sure how or why, but she knew that she wasn’t in danger.

Although she was still tense, she forced herself to stay seated. In front of her, the light took the shape of O- no, the _Master_ , she corrected herself. 

But he didn’t seem to notice her.

 _“If you’re seeing this,”_ the apparition began, _“You’ve been to Gallifrey.”_ His voice sounded distorted, almost, like when you hear someone over a phone. A recording, then.

Yaz didn’t know what a ‘Gallifrey’ was, but she didn’t have time to wonder. The recording was still talking.

 _“When I said someone did that,”_ it continued, and Yaz almost thought she saw something resembling _grief_ in its eyes, _“obviously, I meant I did. To make them pay, for what I discovered. They lied to us.”_

Yaz’s concentration was broken by the sound of footsteps in the corridor behind her. She turned to look, not sure who she expected to be there. Whatever she had expected, it wasn’t this. She didn’t think she had ever seen the Doctor looking so furious before.

“What are you _doing_?” She snapped. Strangely enough, it didn’t seem like her anger was directed at Yaz. “Turn it off.”

The lights of the TARDIS dimmed in what almost seemed to be acknowledgement. 

Still, the projection did not stop. It continued to speak, and Yaz had the feeling that she’d missed something.

“ _The whole existence of our species, built on the lie of-_ ” Whatever he was about to say, Yaz didn’t hear it. The Doctor was in front of her, grabbing her shoulders, staring into her eyes with something akin to desperation.

“Please, Yaz. Don’t.”

“What’s going on, Doctor?” Yaz asked her gently. The Doctor’s mouth opened, but no words came out.

Meanwhile, the recording continued on. _“You see it? I’d tell you more, but… but why would I make it easy for you? It wasn’t for me.”_

Then, at last, the hologram flickered and disappeared. The Doctor seemed to crumple into herself, and Yaz realized that she had never seen her look this _broken_.

“What happened to you, Doctor?” She murmured, reaching out to brush a strand of hair out of the other woman’s eye.

The Doctor leaned into the touch, and although Yaz wasn’t quite sure how, somehow they ended up hugging. Both of them were silent for a long time. Finally, the Doctor began to speak.

“We were friends, once.” She rasped. It took Yaz a moment to realize she was talking about the Master. “A long time ago. And then he- and now-” She sounded so lost and broken that Yaz didn’t know what to do.

“It’s okay.” She murmured comfortingly, running her hands through the Doctor’s hair. “You’re safe now.”

There was another moment of silence, and then, “Gallifrey was my home.”

“What?” Yaz asked, caught off guard.

“Gallifrey. You wanted to know what it was.” She said quietly. “It was my home. And he destroyed it. The entire planet, razed to the ground. No life signs.”

Yaz’s heart sank to her stomach. “Oh my god.” She whispered.

“He killed them. And it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it _is_ . I do this every time. I always think he’s changed, and then he goes and does something like _this_ … You’d think, after 2000 years, I would’ve learned by now.”

 _2000 years_? But Yaz didn’t have time to focus on that. “So that’s why you’ve been so moody lately.” She realized. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry I kept it from you. I just… I didn’t know what to do.”

Yaz felt like she was going to be sick. She’d been angry at the Doctor, and _this_ was what she’d been going through? “We’ll fix it, yeah?” She tried to cheer her up. “That’s what we do.”

The Doctor shook her head. “Some things…” Her voice wavered. “Some things can’t be fixed.”

As they sat there, tears running down both of their faces, Yaz wondered if this was what it was like. As fantastic and beautiful as the universe was, it also contained so much pain. How had she missed this?

“I’m sorry.” She murmured again, wrapping her arms tighter around the Doctor.

(The next time they ran into the Master, Yaz greeted him with a punch to the face. But that’s a story for another time. For now, all that matters is The Doctor, and Yaz, and the tears running down their cheeks.)


End file.
